It can be difficult and overwhelming to know what to say or do during a time of loss. The most important thing you can do is show respect for the deceased and your support for those grieving by using proper etiquette.
Before the funeral
- Upon hearing the news, a visit or call to the family to let them know they're in your thoughts is appreciated. You may stop by and offer the family assistance, such as childcare, cooking, cleaning or shopping.
- Be a good listener. Sometimes family members just need someone there to listen to them talk about their loved one. Don't be afraid to talk about the deceased in a pleasant and respectful manner. If you have fond memories of the deceased, share them with the family.
During the funeral
- Sending flowers for the funeral service, along with a personal condolence message, lets the family know you are thinking of them. Some families may request a charitable donation in lieu of flowers. If so, a donation to the family's charity of choice is always appreciated.
- If a visitation or wake has an open casket, it is proper to show your respects by viewing the body and offering a silent prayer or meditating on the deceased.
- Offer condolences to the family first before meeting and conversing with other mourners at the service.
- It isn't necessary to dress in black, but do show respect when picking out funeral attire. Dark, subdued colors and conservative styles are appropriate for the service. Try to avoid bright colors and busy patterns.
- The funeral service itself may depend on religion, so if you are unsure of a proper procedure, check with the funeral home assistants or with the clergyperson.
- Turn off all cell phones and other electronic devices that are distracting before entering the chapel or place of worship. You may also want to keep smaller children at home, to avoid any disruptions during the service.
After the funeral
- Visits or helping with chores, such as cleaning and cooking may be necessary in the days and weeks following a funeral. Grief is not something that should be rushed, and may take years to completely overcome. Remember that the bereaved will need continuous support.
- Mourners should have someone they can talk to about their loss openly. If you do not know what to say, be honest and tell them. This opens a dialog between you and the mourner.
- Don't be afraid to say the name of the deceased because you think it may upset the mourner. To the bereaved, it may seem as if you are avoiding any discussion of their loss.
- Festive occasions and anniverseries are particularly painful times for those in mourning. These are times when friends and relatives should make a special effort to be around for encouragement and support.